Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side.
"Sleep now, it's all right," he told her.
But she kept trying to sit up and said, "Honey, I really need to tell you something."
Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.
"Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die.
During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
"Don't worry about it," Jake said, "I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay!
Okay!
I'm a rabbit!
I'm a rabbit!"
Kid threw the butter out the window, he wanted to see a butterfly.
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs!
Vote:
I still don't understand why smoking weed makes you a criminal...
When I smoke it the only thing I a threat to is cake.
Yo momma so nasty i had phone sex with her and she gave me an earinfection.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
A little old man who's hard of hearing goes to see the doctor. As he can't hear very well, he takes his wife with him.
The doctor examines the man and then says, "Hmm, I think we need to take a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample."
The old man turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife replies, "He said he wants your underwear."
Vote: