Yo mama so ugly, even goldfish don't smile back.
What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?
It's ass.
Vote:
Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
A: Winnie the Pooh.
Vote:
Bob asks his grandmother: "Granny, tell us, how my sister and me came to life?"
"Your sister, Bob, came from heaven and a stork has brought you to us."
Bob then, turns to his sister and whispers: "Should we tell her the truth, or should we let her die without knowing…"
At a restaurant, one of the customers notices that all of the waiters have two spoons in their vest pockets.
A waiter explains, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware is spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement."
Then the customer notices a string hanging out of all the waiters' flies.
"The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explains the waiter.
"That way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims straight, and we don't need to use our hands."
The customer asks, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?"
The waiter replies, "Well, that's another reason we carry the spoons."
Vote:
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-day!
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door.
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."