"Grandpa, grandpa! I'm watching a soccer game!"
Grandpa: "Who's playing?"
Grandson: "Austria-Hungary."
Grandpa: "Against who?"
Chuck Norris is the only man who can put M&M's in alphabetical order.
Vote:
An old man goes to his doctor and says, ‘Can you give me something to lower my sex drive.’
The doctor replies, ‘I would have thought at your age it’s all in the mind,’
‘It is,’ agrees the old man.
‘That’s why I want it lower.’
The teacher had given the class an assignment.
He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family.
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
Three guys all think that their wives are cheating on them.
The first guy thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.
The second guy thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.
The third guy says, "That's nothing! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed.
I can't believe my wife is screwing a horse."
What do you get when you cross a retard with a gang banger?
Someone who spray paints on a chain link fence.
Vote:
The black guy I was walking behind stopped, turned and asked "Are you following me?"
"No", I said "You've got evolution all mixed up."
Vote:
A blonde's house was on fire.
She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please!
My house is burning! Hurry!"
The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?"
The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"
Chuck Norris can see all 50 states from his house.
Vote:
Roses are blue
My thumb's got a sliver
I drank far too much and I'm killing my liver.