Dog rules 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, it's yours.
The husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet the wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came back to his senses, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now. ....I think you bring me bad luck!"
I was walking down the street to a video store last night to rent a porno movie when I saw a woman being raped. Saved myself a fiver.
‘During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.’ Rodney Dangerfield
An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in a honeymoon suite. All night long, the bellboy hears laughing and clapping sounds from their room. The next morning, he asks the old man how he can do it all night at his age. The husband replies, "First, I remove my clothes. Then, I lie down on the bed face up. Then, my wife removes her clothes and lifts up my penis with one hand, and we make a bet. If it falls to left when she lets go, I win; if it falls to right, she wins." The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?" "Then we both win," says the old man.
Chuck Norris can sit at the corner of a round table
Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.
A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up. "I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair." "Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." "Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"
How do you start a teddy bear race? Ready, teddy, go.
Religion is a lot more like politics. The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.