How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed.
Is it still rape if you yell 'Surprise!' first?
A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up. "I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair." "Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." "Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"
Chuck Norris doesn't blink...reality pauses.
Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.
Religion is a lot more like politics. The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.
Dear Facebook, Everytime I add a girl you ask me "Do you know her? Is she your sister?"
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
My husband said he wanted more space. So I locked him outside.
Q: What do you call a pool full of black kids? A: Cocoa puffs.