Q: Does your mum like shopping on the Internet? A: No, the trolley keeps rolling off the top of the computer.
We ask the president to make laws. The president asks Chuck Norris.
*Me when I turn 18* Parents: Do this. Me: Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf.
Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? A: Pick it up and suck it's dick.
I don't always go to the gym, but when I do, I make sure Facebook knows about it.
Yo Momma SO STUPID WHEN THEY SAID THAT IT IS CHILLY OUTSIDE, SHE WENT OUTSIDE WITH A BOWL AND A SPOON.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a cell phone?" Blonde: "They're too expensive, so I did the next best thing: I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist: "And do you receive any letters?" Blonde: "No, but I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Q: Why did the elves spell Christmas N-O-E? A: Because Santa had said, "No L!"
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."