Q: Why did the bodybuilder cross the road? A: He didn't. There's no walking on leg day.
Q: Whats the height of desperation? A: A vampire sucking blood from a sanitary napkin.
5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".
The entire movie of "Anaconda" was recorded inside Chuck Norris' pants.
A man fell out of a tenth-story window. He's lying on the ground with a big crowd around him. A cop walks over and says, "What happened?" The guy says, "I don't know, I just got here."
A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her. The man in the car says to her, "What do you have in the bag?" The blonde replies: "I have chickens!" The man thinks for a moment and says, "If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?" The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, "Okay, but I'll make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you BOTH of them!"
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
Lebron better than Jordan? Ha! Yea right. Talk to me when Lebron saves the looney tunes from an alien race.
A: Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars? A: Elfis!
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.