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Q: Why did the bodybuilder cross the road? A: He didn't. There's no walking on leg day.
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Q: Whats the height of desperation? A: A vampire sucking blood from a sanitary napkin.
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5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".
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The entire movie of "Anaconda" was recorded inside Chuck Norris' pants.
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A man fell out of a tenth-story window. He's lying on the ground with a big crowd around him. A cop walks over and says, "What happened?" The guy says, "I don't know, I just got here."
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A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her. The man in the car says to her, "What do you have in the bag?" The blonde replies: "I have chickens!" The man thinks for a moment and says, "If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?" The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, "Okay, but I'll make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you BOTH of them!"
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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
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Lebron better than Jordan? Ha! Yea right. Talk to me when Lebron saves the looney tunes from an alien race.
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A: Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars? A: Elfis!
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Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
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