Kind of surprised hipsters haven't started tying their beard's in man buns yet.
Yo' mama so stupid, she told me to meet her on the corner of "walk" and "don't walk."
What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here’s something for you, Diploma." or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on. Eventually a bewildered shopper who’d heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?" The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to the University of Virginia and this is what she came home with!"
Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? A: Kids don't eat broccoli.
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from Phantom of the opera. "When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly "we’re going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune." Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper The edmonton sun, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. "Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick with his arms.
Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends? A: He plays with Pooh.
Scissors are told not to run with Chuck Norris.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.