She’s like train tracks – she’s been laid across the country.
‘During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.’ Rodney Dangerfield
Q: Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.
Genuine advert. In New York Newspaper Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannia. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f**king everything.
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever" "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
Why did Hitler go to the eye doctor? Because he can Nazi.
Chuck Norris can convert kilograms into centimeters.
Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!
Judge Claudia Jordan of Denver slipped a message to her clerk during a trial. The note said: “Blind on the right side. May be falling. Please call someone.” The clerk called 9-1-1. She told the judge not to worry, help was on the way. The judge made a noise. “I wanted someone from maintenance,” she said. The trouble was the window blinds on the courtroom’s right side. The judge appologized to the paramedics when they arrived.
Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing? A: He didn't have any arms.