Father: In life you can never be certain about anything. Son: Really dad, are you sure? Father: I'm certain.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
A kid walks up to his teacher and says "When is lunch." The teacher said "When its my break." "Your break for what? the kid asks. "My break up" the teacher said.
Q: What has 18 legs and catches flies? A: A baseball team.
What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan? Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.
She’s got her very own method of birth control. She takes her make-up off.
Chuck Norris does not masturbate, because there is no greater pleasure than being Chuck Norris.
There's a new pain reliever for wives that relieves the headache caused by a husband who never remembers your anniversary. It's called "Jackasspirin."
Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
Q: What do you call a women who does as much work as a man? A: A lazy b*tch.