Chuck Norris doesn't throw a baseball, it just leaves his hand cowering in fear.
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Kangaroo 911: "What's your emergency?"
Kangaroo: "I can't find my children"
Kangaroo 911: "Did you check your pockets?"
Kangaroo: "Oh nevermind."
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Chuck Norris sleeps with every woman on the planet once a month... and they bleed for a week.
Facebook had a dislike button, then Chuck Norris joined.
Nobody dislikes Chuck Norris.
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*Me when I turn 18*
Parents: Do this.
Me: Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf.
It is convenient to be near a hospital when you are injured.
It is also convenient to insult Chuck Norris while standing in an open grave.
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It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date.
They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start.
The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand.
Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound.
The film began but the silence continued.
Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote control?"
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Man to a woman: "Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?"
Woman: "No."
Man: "Lets have lunch sometime…"
Why are all jokes about women one-liners?
So men can understand them.
It’s the morning after the honeymoon.
The wife says, ‘You know, you’re a really lousy lover.’
The husband replies, ‘How can you possible tell that after only 30 seconds.’