What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts.
A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here’s something for you, Diploma." or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on. Eventually a bewildered shopper who’d heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?" The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to the University of Virginia and this is what she came home with!"
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick with his arms.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
At a restaurant, one of the customers notices that all of the waiters have two spoons in their vest pockets. A waiter explains, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware is spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement." Then the customer notices a string hanging out of all the waiters' flies. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explains the waiter. "That way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims straight, and we don't need to use our hands." The customer asks, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter replies, "Well, that's another reason we carry the spoons."
Q: Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow? A: So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
Why was the cannibal fined by the judge? He was caught poaching.
Yo' Mama is like a campfire: everyone gets to stick their wiener in.
People say "bless you" when you sneeze because Chuck Norris might catch your soul. It's a myth. Chuck Norris can take your soul whenever he wants.