John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!" St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn’t make it to Heaven." This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I’m in the right place?" "My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!"
What do you call a computer that takes 15 minutes to start, freezes if you try to do more than one thing at a time, crashes regularly and causes you to swear under your breath throughout the day? Cutting edge.
Your mamma is so fat when she goes swimming in the ocean she gets harpooned.
What has four legs and goes, "Oom! Oom!"? A cow walking backwards.
Q: What did the blonde say when the airplane began to shake? A: Must be an earthquake.
The only reason Osama Bin Laden is dead is because they finally let Chuck Norris into Pakistan...
Q: What does a cow make when the sun comes out? A: A shadow.
‘Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.’ Spike Milligan
Yo mamma so ugly she scares Chuck Norris!
Yo mamma so fat and scary, Godzilla watches "yo mamma" movies!