Best jokes ever

A doctor and a lawyer are involved in a car crash. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is a little shaken up, offers him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, has a drink and hands back the flask. The lawyer puts it in his pocket. ‘Aren’t you having one yourself?’ asks the doctor. ‘Sure,’ says the lawyer. ‘But I’ll wait till after the police leave.’
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She was so blonde that she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
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A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18" The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" The bartender asks "so which one died?" "No one." "But you only ordered two drinks!" "Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."
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Chuck Norris... Chuck Norris... Chuck Norris... Okay, I've finished my morning prayers.
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In what state will you find the most cows? Moo York.
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There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left? 2 birds. The other 3 fly away!
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A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
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What is a moo hoo for the bucket that goes at the back end of the cow? A tail pail.
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Q: What does a blond man do at 03.00 in the night naked at the balcony? A: The blond girl told him to come outside
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What do you call it when one rabbit challenges another rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon? A hare dare.
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More jokes about: animal