A blonde comes home to find her husband in bed with a redhead.
She grabs a gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband begs her not to shoot herself.
The blonde shouts at her husband, ‘Shut up!
You’re next!’
A blonde goes to the hospital to give blood and is asked what type she is.
She tells them she’s an outgoing cat-lover.
A policeman has just stopped a drunk driver and given him a breathalyser test.
‘I’m sorry, sir,’ says the policeman.
‘But this bag tells me you’ve been drinking too much.’
‘What a coincidence!’ exclaims the driver.
‘I’ve got a bag at home that does the exactly the same thing!'
A woman is chatting with her friends when she points at a man in the street, ‘That’s my nextdoor neighbour. He’s an alcoholic!’
One of her friends asks, ‘How do you know that?’
The woman replies, ‘Yesterday he was at the bar drinking next to me all night.'
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done.
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple brandy with a double whisky chaser.
‘You know I shouldn’t really be drinking like this with what I’ve got,’ says the man to the barman.
‘Why? What have you got?’ asks the barman. ‘Fifty pence,’ replies the man.
We call my father-in-law the exorcist.
Every time he visits he rids the house of spirits.
A man is talking to the tax inspector who’s come to review his records.
The inspector says, ‘As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile.’
‘Thank God for that,’ replies the man.
‘I thought you were going to ask for cash.’
Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.