A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elkaseltzer.
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
A: Gee, we really do taste like chicken!
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Vote:
Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Why did the frog cross the road?
To see what the chicken was doing.
Two crocks rest on the basin of a zoo talking:
Yesterday, the caretaker cursed me, said the older one.
What did you do?
Asks the other. - I’ve swallowed him...
Patty was sitting in her back yard digging a hole to bury her dead goldfish. Mrs. Johnson, who lived next door, was watching her over the fence.
Mrs. Johnson said, "Patty, what are you doing?"
Patty said, "I'm digging a hole to bury my dead goldfish."
Mrs. Johnson said, "Patty, don't you think that hole is a little BIG for a goldfish?"
Patty said, "No...it's inside your damn cat!"
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.
He got out, and started walking in a meadow.
As he walked, he came upon a hole.
Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down.
No sound.
So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.
The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down.
No sound.
As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam.
He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in.
No sound.
He sat down on the ground, exhausted.
Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed.
He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole.
He listened, but there was no sound.
He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up.
The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?"
The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends.
Say, have you seen my prize goat?"
The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, "No." The farmer said, "Oh well.
He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam."
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?