What do you if you're trapped inside a whale? Run round and round till you're all pooped out!
Some advice for guys: When the red river's flowin', take the dirt road.
What’s the difference between a dead baby and an onion. You don’t cry when you chop up a dead baby.
Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his boyfriend? A: He wiped.
A pollock walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms. We have some for 75 cents a peace. The man asks for two. The pharmacist calculates the total and says, "That will be $1.58 with tax, sir." The pollock says, "Oh, these come with tacks? I was wondering how you keep them on."
Q: What's the difference between an epyleptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diahrrea? A: One shucks between fits.
In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they talk and drive sportscars. An owl enters a psychologist's office. The psychologist says to the owl, "What is your problem?" The owl replies, "I always sleep at night and am awake during the day. I am an owl and we usually are awake during the night." The psychologist tells the owl to come back in two days to solve his problem, as he is very busy. The next night, a cat comes in. He says, "I always sleep during the day. Like my friends, I want to sleep during the night. Can you help?" The psychologist advises the cat to come back in one day, as he is very busy. The next day, the cat comes very, very, very early for his appointment and ends up at the same time as the owl. The cat is told to wait outside. He peeks in the owl's appointment and figures out his problem... and his address! During the next evening, when the owl usually comes in for his appointment, the cat comes in. The psychologist asks the cat why he is here instead of the owl. The cat replies, "He is here!" and poops on the floor, explaining, "I was sent to deliver him."
What is the difference between a fridge and a kid? A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.
Your fart's so loud, astronauts in space mistook your fart for a message from Houston!
Q: What do women and cats have in common? A: Pussy farts.