Man to lawyer: ‘If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?’
Lawyer: ‘Absolutely.
What’s the other question?’
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One’s a scum-sucking bottom dweller, the other’s a fish!
Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got to pick first.
Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing?
Because it’s too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors – that’s a pity.
If there were any empty seats – that’s a shame.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.
He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."
A Preacher and a lawyer both go to heaven at the same time and the Preacher receives his gifts that he had expected and he sees that the lawyer gets this big house and pool.
The Peacher asked God: "Why is it that I get the things I've wanted, but the lawyer gets all that?"
God Replied: "He is the first lawyer to make it into Heaven."
What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.