The boss speaking with the secretary:
Who told you that, if I kissed you a couple of time, you have the right to laze all day long?
My lawyer.
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
How is an earnest lawyer called?
An oxymoron.
A lawyer opens the door of his BMW.
Another car speeds by and hits the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrive, the lawyer is complaining bitterly.
‘Officer, look what they’ve done to my car!’ he whines.
‘You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick,’ replies the officer.
‘You’re so worried about your stupid car, you haven’t even noticed your left arm was ripped off!’
‘Oh my God!’ replies the lawyer.
‘Where’s my Rolex?’
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before a crime, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after a crime, we call him a defence lawyer.
An airliner is having engine trouble.
The pilot instructs the cabin crew to prepare for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later the pilot asks the flight attendants if everyone is buckled in and ready.
‘All set back here, Captain,’ comes the reply.
‘Except one lawyer.
He’s still going around passing out business cards.’
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito?
A mosquito drops off you when you die!
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.
He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."