An airliner is having engine trouble. The pilot instructs the cabin crew to prepare for an emergency landing. A few minutes later the pilot asks the flight attendants if everyone is buckled in and ready. ‘All set back here, Captain,’ comes the reply. ‘Except one lawyer. He’s still going around passing out business cards.’
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? A mosquito drops off you when you die!
A lawyer and a basketball player want to make a deal. Suggest a place where both of them would be happy to meet. Of course, they should at the court.
Q: What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? A: He gets taller.
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
A blonde, a priest, a doctor, a nurse, a brunette, a redhead, a lawyer, a rabbi, a musician, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman an American, A Russian, an Iraqi, Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin, George W Bush, Osama Bin laden and Barack Obama walked into a bar. The barman said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.? A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall? A: It depends how hard you throw them.
Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin? A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Did you hear about the lawyer who was hurt in an accident? The ambulance he was chasing stopped too suddenly.