An airliner is having engine trouble. The pilot instructs the cabin crew to prepare for an emergency landing. A few minutes later the pilot asks the flight attendants if everyone is buckled in and ready. ‘All set back here, Captain,’ comes the reply. ‘Except one lawyer. He’s still going around passing out business cards.’
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? A mosquito drops off you when you die!
A blonde, a priest, a doctor, a nurse, a brunette, a redhead, a lawyer, a rabbi, a musician, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman an American, A Russian, an Iraqi, Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin, George W Bush, Osama Bin laden and Barack Obama walked into a bar. The barman said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
A lawyer and a basketball player want to make a deal. Suggest a place where both of them would be happy to meet. Of course, they should at the court.
Q: What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? A: He gets taller.
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Q: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? A: A great place to start.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to build a wall? A: Depends on how deep you stack them.
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.? A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall? A: It depends how hard you throw them.