How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle, replies the inventor." "A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?" "I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk. "A farton", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!" "In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - It hasn't happened yet!!
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight. "I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?" "Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes." The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head. "But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!" "True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Why does a man like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.