Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.
Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Colorado Avalanche fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Avalanche fans too.
Not really knowing what an Avalanche fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception.
A little girl has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an Avalanche fan," she retorts.
"Then," asks her teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Detroit Red Wings Fan," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks the little girl why she is a Wings fan.
"Well, my Dad and Mom are Wings fans, so I'm a Wings fan too," she responds.
The teacher is now angry. "That’s no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot.
What would you be then?"
"Oh," says the little girl.
"Well, then I'd be an Avalanche fan."
Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
Vote:
Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence.
Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green."
The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall."
The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors."
From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly."
Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"
Mother: Come on Pete you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for the college.
Peter: O mum do I have to, all the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.
Mother: Yes you do.
Peter: Give me a good reason
Mother: You're 52 and you are the Principal!
Jacob: Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses to school?
Leonard: Why?
Jacob: She had bright students!
What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!
Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it.
So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep.
The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.
"Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"
William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!"
And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary."
Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.
"Who died on the cross for our sins?"
William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!"
Once again, she goes back to sleep.
This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
William pokes her again.
Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"
Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah’s ark.
On the way home, Willy asked, “Do you think Noah did much fishing?”
“How could he?” said Billy.
“He only had two worms”.
The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping
student’s neighbor, “Hey wake that student up!”
The neighbor yells back, “You put him to sleep, you wake him up!”
DEPT OF STATISTICS:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in.
The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELIGION:
Grade is determined by God.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
What is a grade?
LAW SCHOOL:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
Grades are variable.
DEPT OF LOGIC:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
Random number generator determines grade.
MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
Everybody gets an A.