Q: What's the difference between a brown-noser and a sh*thead? A: Depth perception.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Q: Why is diarrhea hereditary? A: It runs in your genes.
Q: What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker soldier tomato? A: "You better catch up!"
Man: When I bend my arm like this it hurts? Doctor: Well, stop doing it!
Q: What do you call a woman with no a**hole? A: Divorced.
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, "What is that?" "They're smart pills," said the other boy. "Eat them and they'll make you smarter." So he ate them and said, "These taste like crap." "See," said the other boy, "you're getting smarter already."
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
Pet Owner: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner." Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer."