Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
How do you change a blonde’s mind?
Blow in her ear.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the s**t out of you.
Q: How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica?
A: Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears.
Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.
"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
A man who goes into the pub optimistically often comes out misty optically.