Death is God’s way of saying, ‘Hey, you’re not alive any more.’
Vote:
What do you call a black guy in a tree with a briefcase?
Branch manager.
Vote:
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Vote:
A stewardess approaches a passenger on a flight.
‘Would you care for an orange juice, sir?’
The passenger replies, ‘Sure, if it needed me.’
Being poor has its advantages.
For example your keys are never in your other trousers.
Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
The Australian rugby team is being driven through Dublin.
The driver shouts out, ‘And if you look to your left you’ll see we’re going past the biggest pub in the city.’
A voice from the back shouts, ‘Why?’
Our baby looks just like me.
But that’s OK, as long as he’s healthy.
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar, and says to the barman, ‘I want you to call me David Hoff.’
‘Sure,’ says the barman.
‘No hassle.’