‘If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.’ Mark Twain
The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck with the witness. "Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander. "I certainly did." "And?" "And he said, 'Yes dear you're right,' and dozed off!"
What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party? They're both out looking for a tight seal.
Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common? A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Uncle gives little Johnny a £5 note for his birthday. ‘Spend it carefully,’ says Uncle. ‘Remember – a fool and his money are soon parted.’ Little Johnny replies, ‘Well you certainly handed it over fast enough.’
A young man wants to be left something in his aunt’s will, so every day he goes round and takes her poodles for a walk. When she finally dies, she does indeed remember the kindness of her nephew – and leaves him the poodles.
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
Yo' Mama is so fat, she keeps her diaphragm in a pizza box.
He was so mean he used to give his children £1 each instead of an evening meal, then charged them £2 for breakfast.
I saw a tramp who was so broke he was standing on the corner shouting, ‘Will work for cardboard and a magic marker!’