Moses did not part the sea. Chuck Norris accidently did while sneezing.
Growing up, Samuel L. Jackson didn't have a mother and a father. He had a mother and a motherf*cker.
Chuck Norris can empty a swimming pool with a fork... while it's raining.
An advertisement: I change 40-year-old wife to two 20-years-old ones. Do not offer four 10-year-old ones.
What do cows wear when they are on vacation in Hawaii? Moo moos.
Sliced bread is the best thing since Chuck Norris.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Women are just like fine wine. I only like the white ones.
Q: How do you circumcise a whale? A: With four skin-divers.
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."