The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then they marry him.
They are a fastidious couple.
She’s fast and he’s hideous.
Yo momma’s so ugly, the last time she heard a whistle she got hit by a train.
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Vote:
Always talk to your wife when you’re making love – assuming there’s a phone handy.
Q: Why is it so hot at Phillies games?
A: Because there's not a fan in the place.
What king of money do fishermen make?
Net profits!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - It hasn't happened yet!!
What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable assh*le!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."