My husband has a split personality – and I hate both of them.
I am currently experiencing an out-of-money experience.
What time does Andy Murray go to his bed? Ten-ish.
Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
I see a blonde walking down the street with a rope tied around her waist and I ask, "Why do you have a rope tied around your waist?" And the blonde says, "Because im trying to commit suicide." I ask, "why don't you just tie it around your neck?" She says, "I already tried that but I couldn't breathe."
She is so blonde, when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went back home.
Yo momma's so fat; she's in two time zones at the same time!
A blonde asks a bypasser: Excuse me, would you tell me where the other side of the road is? It's on the other side. Strange.. When I was on the other side, people told me it's here...
A blonde comes to a doctor and complains: Doc, please help: when I touch my head - it hurts, when I touch my belly - it hurts, when I touch my leg - it hurts... I know what has happened to you. And what? You've broken your finger.
How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water!