When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Q: How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica? A: Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.
Q: Why is it OK for blondes to catch cold? A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something."
A man who goes into the pub optimistically often comes out misty optically.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall? A: It depends how hard you throw them.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and sheep? A wooly jumper.
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it. He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
What can you serve that you cannot eat? A tennis ball.