How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding?
That’s a hardware problem! 
I live like a medieval knight.
Every night I go to sleep with a battleaxe at my side.
Yo momma’s so fat, when the family wants to watch home movies they ask her to wear white.
Wife to husband: ‘You certainly made a fool of yourself last night.
I just hope nobody realised you were sober.’
‘Why don’t you go home to your wife.
Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference.’ Groucho Marx
Q: Why did the lion brake up with his girlfriend?
A: Cuz she was a CHEETAH!
Vote:
Q: Why did the elephant paint himself diffrent colours?
A: So he could hide in the crayon box!
Question: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
Answer: Lipstick.
The Golfer asked his Caddy, "Hey boy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy replied, "The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!"