How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Fed up with your computer winning at chess? Try it at kick-boxing instead!
What do you call a blonde with a brain? A golden retriever.
What fur do we get from a tiger? As fur as possible!
A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!” The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?” The surgeon looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”
Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
How do you know you’re flying over the poorer part of town? You see toilet paper hanging on the clothes lines.
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
What do ducks wear to party's? A duck-sedo!