A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.
Rugby player: "Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror - I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" Doctor: "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad". (at this point he was loaded drunk) He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?". He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"! He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her. The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!" The man replied with "NO WAY!" And the wife said "YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!
Golfer: "Well caddy, do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf."
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
What's the difference between a man and a messy room? You can straighten up a messy room.
Bigamy is having one husband too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
My wife and I have our little fights. We had a fight last week. Nothing much, only two police cars.
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She: Well, you succeeded.
There was a terrible tragedy concerning the local ice hockey team. They drowned during spring training.