Q: Why did the duck go to Brooklyn?
A: To buy some quack.
A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispers, "Oh sorry! can I have a diet coke then?"
The town’s local council remarks that the best lawyer in town never made a donation to charity tendency.
To convince him, the mayor calls him in his office:
Sir, I remarked that you’re revenue reached a number of $600.000.
With all these, you never made a donation to the charity...
If you looked into my files, did you also remark that my mother is sick, and the medicaments she needs exceed her funds?
No... answers mayor.
In second place, my brother, war veteran, is condemned in a wheelchair and he’s blind.
The mayor started apologizing, but was interrupted:
And more, my sister died into a car accident and left tree children orphans.
Stunned, the mayor says:
I didn’t know, please accept my apologies...
But the lawyer continues:
I don’t see why I should give you any money, if I don’t ever give them money...
What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't follow you around for three weeks after you dump your load into it.
Vote:
For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 A.M. on the dot ready for duty.
He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation.
All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freakin' killed myself."
And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests.
A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer.
"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.
"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.
When this had been provided:
"Now give me a quart of whiskey."
Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:
"Now show me the cellar."
An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store.
His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted:
"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"
One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm looking for my dollar bill,' Max replied.
'I lost it down the road.'
'Why don't you look for it there?'
'Because the light's better here!'
A female alcoholic walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender.
"We only serve men in this place."
"That's OK, "she says, "I'll take one of them."
While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient’s shins are covered in dark, savage bruises.
‘Tell me,’ says the doctor.
‘Do you play hockey or soccer?’
‘No,’ said the man. ‘But my wife and I play bridge.’
What’s the difference between your wage packet and your trouser packet?
You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your wage packet.