Uncle Harry is very rich.
His dog was lonely so he bought it a boy to play with.
‘He’s spending a year dead for tax purposes.’
Douglas Adams
What did the blonde say when someone blew in her bra?
‘Thanks for the refill.’
What did the blonde’s holiday postcard say?
‘Having a wonderful time.
Where am I?’
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink and some peanuts.
While drinking, he hears funny voices, but thinks nothing of it.
Again, he hears the funny voices and asks the barman what they are.
The barman points to the peanuts and says, ‘Don’t worry about them.
They are complimentary nuts.’
What job did the blonde have at the M&M factory?
Proofreading.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a gorilla?
An animal that puts you out at night.
Did you hear about the cover-all insurance policy?
If you bump your head, they pay you a lump sum.
A female alcoholic walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender.
"We only serve men in this place."
"That's OK, "she says, "I'll take one of them."
The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests.
A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer.
"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.
"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.
When this had been provided:
"Now give me a quart of whiskey."
Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:
"Now show me the cellar."
An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store.
His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted:
"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"