While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient’s shins are covered in dark, savage bruises.
‘Tell me,’ says the doctor.
‘Do you play hockey or soccer?’
‘No,’ said the man. ‘But my wife and I play bridge.’
What’s the difference between your wage packet and your trouser packet?
You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your wage packet.
I’ve got nothing against watching a darts match.
I just wish my IQ were low enough to enjoy it.
‘Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.’
Sue Murphy
What did the trampolinist say?
‘Life has its ups and downs, but I always bounce back.’
Tennis
He was so poor all he had to wear as a boy were hand-me-downs.
The real shame was that he had five older sisters.
Uncle Harry is very rich.
His dog was lonely so he bought it a boy to play with.
‘He’s spending a year dead for tax purposes.’
Douglas Adams
What did the blonde say when someone blew in her bra?
‘Thanks for the refill.’
What did the blonde’s holiday postcard say?
‘Having a wonderful time.
Where am I?’
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink and some peanuts.
While drinking, he hears funny voices, but thinks nothing of it.
Again, he hears the funny voices and asks the barman what they are.
The barman points to the peanuts and says, ‘Don’t worry about them.
They are complimentary nuts.’