Chuck Norris only mast*rbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. 
Vote:
What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life?
You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
Vote:
One morning I called my girlfriend and his father picked "Hello who are you?"
I heard that heavy voice and quickly replied a while "hey Eric where are you the choir is about to begin?"
"What choir?" he asked.
"Come on Eric stop kidding around and get your ass over here" the father then replied
"Sorry am not Eric and I don't know what you are talking about I am dr Stephen" he said.
I then said "oh sorry I must have misdialled"
I then hang up and decided I am never gonna call that girl again...
Vote:
Q: How does David Beckham change a light bulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.
I got this antique watch from my grandfather on his deathbed – he put up one hell of a fight for it.
Jesus saves.
But wouldn’t it have been better if he had invested?
My dad is really annoyed, I had the TV on and he accidentally saw the entire football match – he’d just wanted to watch the results on the news.
Why do they bury lawyers in 20ft holes?
Because deep down they’re all really nice guys.