If you want to know why men are called the 'opposite sex', express an opinion!
‘I used to live in a sub-basement. The janitor that had the apartment during the Depression had some stocks. When the market crashed, he was wiped out. He tried to kill himself by jumping out of the window and up on to street level.’ Woody Allen
What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court? Annette!
I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do!
The cops must be after you, because it's illegal to look that good.
What do you give Mikey for his 18th birthday? A 90 year old woman, because Mikey will eat anything.
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training? A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
One day, two skunks named In and Out, asked their mother if they could go into a store and play. Their mother said yes, but only for an hour. An hour later, only Out came back. Their mother said, "Out, you'd better go back in and find In." About 10 seconds later, Out comes back with In. Their mother asked how Out found In so quickly. "Easy." Out said. "In-stincts."
A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth.
"Where does the Colonel keep his armies?" "Up his sleevies!"