Q: How can you tell when a man is dead?
A: He stays stiff for more than two minutes.
Q: How does David Beckham change a light bulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.
Q: What's the difference between jelly and jam?
A: I can't jelly my dick a baby's throat.
How does a frog confuse you?
When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better.
What do you get if you cross a computer and a policeman?
PC Plod.
A bear walks into a pub, and takes a huge bite out of the bar.
‘Get out!’ shouts the barman.
‘We don’t serve druggies.’
‘But I’m not a druggie,’ replies the puzzled bear.
‘Yeah?
Then what about the bar bit you ate?’
John it’s alright muttering a few words in the church and finding yourself married, but if you mutter a few words in your sleep you might find yourself divorced.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?
Sure. Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages are missing.
What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?
At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars. One of the chamber members stood up and said, "I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army."