Best jokes ever

Yo Momma's so fat she uses an air balloon for parachute.

What do you call a bent iPhone 6 plus? A dead wringer.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As hes drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom. When he comes back about 15 minutes later, theres another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

First Cannibal: "Who was that girl I saw you with last night?" Second Cannibal: "That was no girl, that was my supper."

Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage? Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week. Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.

My New Years resolution is 1080p.

Happy Father's Day to the only person on the planet still willing to employ me.

Q: What does a cooked chicken and a stoner who is afraid of everything have in common? A: They are both baked chickens.

There was a boy and his mother was about to go to work. She said, "Do not open the door for nobody". The boy said, "Okay." So after the mother left a girl came to their house and she said to the boy, "Let me in." The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow”" So the girl went to the window and started knocking on it. Once again she said, "Let me in." The boy finally gave up and let her in. So once she got in she said, "Let’s go upstairs." The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow." The girl kept asking him so he finally gave up. When his mama came into his room she said, "Get off that girl." The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow!"

A tourist on a farm asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg. The farmer said, "That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw." "So why does he have a wooden leg?" the tourist asked. "One night, our house caught on fire, and he came inside and woke us all up." The tourist asked again, "So, why does that pig have a wooden leg?" "You can't eat a pig that brave all at once!"