My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing. But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her. It may come across as judgmental, but really, I've only ever known and loved her as Christine.
Scientists called it a big bang, Chuck Norris called it an alarm clock.
Why are women like parking spaces? Because all the best ones are taken... and the rest are handicapped.
It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning. (The Fast and The Furious) It doesn't matter if you pass the semester by getting 40% or 95%. Passing's passing.
Q: Whats the difference between a black person and an apple? A: The apple falls from the tree.
Two guys on a double bike where pedaling up a hill. It took forever to get to the top. When they finally got to the top the first guy said in a pant, "Whew, that was so hard." The second replied, "If I hadn't been pushing the brakes the whole time we would have rolled down backwards."
Yo momma is so old, they use strands of her hair to carbon date dinosaur fossils.
My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.
I hope the next ridiculously popular Facebook trend is shutting the fuck up.