"Hi! My name is Gertrude," said the lady next to him on the plane. "It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice 'Hi Grandma!' It just gets me all teary eyed." After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. "You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me.. what do you think about my Grandson!"
What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand? Cows-mopolitan!
Yo mama is so skinny... she hula hoops with a cheerio.
Cannibal Son: Mom, I don't like my brother anymore. Cannibal Mother: You shut up and eat!
Q. What’s got 4 legs and bleeds? A. Half a spider!
Champions eat Wheaties for breakfast. Chuck Norris eats Champions for breakfast.
How is parsley like pubic hair? You push it aside to eat, and sometimes it gets stuck between your teeth after meals.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions." Texan: "Okay — where are you from, jackass?"
What does a cannibal eat with cheese? Pickled organs.