Sticks and stones may break your bones but Chuck Norris' fists will kill you.
A man walks into his doctor's office and whines, "Doc, you've got to help me; I've got a strawberry stuck up my ass." The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, "I've got cream for that!"
Q: Did you hear about the redneck who was shooting craps? A: He blew a hole in the toilet.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler? A: Michael Phelps can finish a race.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
I posted a blonde joke on facebook accompanied by: "for my blonde friends... an apology". One of them responded. "You don't have to apologise for having blonde friends."
Yo' Mama is so fat, her shadow is used for the witness protection program.
Yo' Mama is so bald, her cornrows look like stitches.
A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead. Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault. The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!"
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."