Best jokes ever

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber." Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?" The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The attorney responded, "Let me take a look." So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"
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More jokes about: alcohol
How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night? He controls himself.
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What has ten letters and starts with gas? An automobile.
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Your so poor, I stepped in your house and stepped on a cigarette, and your mom said, "Who turned of the lights".
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More jokes about: money, Yo mama
Yo momma’s so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done.
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How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave to her.
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A blonde goes to the hospital to give blood and is asked what type she is. She tells them she’s an outgoing cat-lover.
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Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant’s toes? A: Slow clowns.
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A lawyer buys a farm as a weekend retreat. While walking round his new property he looks down and sees that his feet are in the middle of a huge cowpat. The lawyer starts yelling, ‘Oh my God! Help me, help me!’ His wife runs up and asks what’s the matter. The lawyer points to his feet and screams, ‘I’m melting! I’m melting…!’
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Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
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More jokes about: doctor, men