Budgeting: When you work out that the money you owe is exactly the same as the money you spent.
I drink so much alcohol I’m afraid to smoke.
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
"Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
Patty was sitting in her back yard digging a hole to bury her dead goldfish. Mrs. Johnson, who lived next door, was watching her over the fence.
Mrs. Johnson said, "Patty, what are you doing?"
Patty said, "I'm digging a hole to bury my dead goldfish."
Mrs. Johnson said, "Patty, don't you think that hole is a little BIG for a goldfish?"
Patty said, "No...it's inside your damn cat!"
Chuck Norris broke the world record for most punches in a minute with one roundhouse kick.
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Chuck Norris is an action verb.
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Q: What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?
A: Gaelic breath.
Yo' Mama is so skanky, her crabs ride dune buggies.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she uses transport trucks as roller skates.
Q: What do the Jews hate most about the Holocaust?
A: The cost.
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