There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice.
He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days.
"Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then skip the third day."
So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day.
The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is your diet?"
She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired." 
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
'What are you doing dear?'
'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
'How do you know what sex they were?'
The man very confidently replied, "Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone."
Q: How does a man show he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
A: "Olive or twist?"
A black guy and his black girlfriend are in a car. Who's driving?
"The cop!"
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Do you know how Hitler tied his tennis shoes?
In little Natzie's.
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Chuck Norris is so awesome, he can dodge rain.
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What do you call a black guy that doesn't rape white women?
An inmate.
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What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
You come in one and you go in the other!
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
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