Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
A: "Olive or twist?"
An Irishman is really, really drunk, so the bar keeper walks up to him and says:
"Right, you've had enough, go home..."
So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says:
"Ok, ai'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more"
He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home.
when he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face.
so he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away.
The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?'
The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?'
His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
How do you get a blonde to drown?
Put a scratch and sniff on the showerhead.
What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain?
Stegosaur-rust.
Yo momma's so ugly, Freddie Kruger took a paternity test to prove he wasn't her son.
A black guy and his black girlfriend are in a car. Who's driving?
"The cop!"
Vote:
Chuck Norris is so awesome, he can dodge rain.
Vote:
Do you know how Hitler tied his tennis shoes?
In little Natzie's.
Vote:
Snow.
One of the rare times the phrase "8 - 12 inches" is associated with something white.