What's a skunk's favourite game in school? Show and smell.
How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed.
One day a man and a giraffe go to a pub they have a couple of drinks then on their way out the giraffe falls over and blocks the door the bar. Man says "you can leave that lion here." The man said "it's not a lion its a giraffe you idiot."
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt shitty even the mouse. Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass. When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter. When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell. He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night."
A man runs over a cat. The cat’s address is on its collar so the man goes to apologise to the owner. He knocks on the door and a little old lady answers. The man says, ‘I’m so sorry. I’ve just run over your cat. Can I replace it?’ ‘I don’t know,’ replies the old lady. ‘How are you at catching mice?’
Mother to little boy: ‘Stop pulling the cat’s tail.’ Boy: ‘I’m not. I’m just holding it. It’s the cat that’s doing the pulling.’
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Q: Why do pandas like old movies? A: Because they are black and white.
Q:Where do you find a dog with no legs? A:Right where you left him.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a lambrogini? A: Procupines have pricks on the outside.