How do you hire a horse? Put a brick under each hoof!
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They both get fucked up when they're on their backs.
Q: why did the cow cross the road? A: So he could pass the milkyway.
What do cows read at the breakfast table? The moospaper.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
What did the flower say to be the bee? "Buzz off you stupid ugly horny cunt."
Q. What’s got 4 legs and bleeds? A. Half a spider!
Mother to little boy: ‘Stop pulling the cat’s tail.’ Boy: ‘I’m not. I’m just holding it. It’s the cat that’s doing the pulling.’
Three tortoises, Tinku, Teku and Toku, went into a restaurant. Each of them ordered a large ice cream sundae. They were waiting for their order when they noticed that it was pouring with rain outside. "We are going to need our umbrellas," said Toku. Tinku agreed. They both decided that Teku should run home to get the umbrellas, but he didn't want to go in case they ate his ice-cream while he was away. But Toku and Tinku promised that they would do nothing of the kind, so Teku set off. One week went by and Teku did not return. Two weeks went by and still he did not appear. Halfway through the third week, Tinku turned to Toku and said, "Come on, let's eat his ice cream." "Okay, let's," said Toku. Just then Teku's voice piped up from under the next table, "If you do, I won't go for that umbrella!"
Q: What do you call a snake who works for the government? A: A civil serpent.