During vacation my front door's open and I left a note saying "This house is protected by Chuck Norris 3 days a week you guess which 3." All was good.
When someone is in trouble it's a job for Superman, when Superman is in trouble it's a job for Chuck Norris.
Before America can declare war, congress has to ask Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris breaks the speed limit, no one can put it back together again.
When Chuck Norris wants salad, he eats a vegetarian.
Chuck Norris uses flatbed trailers as roller skates.
The city of Dallas wanted to name a major street Chuck Norris Boulevard but decided against it because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives!
Chuck Norris was about to die... until the Grim Reaper phoned in sick.
The two thousand member Catholic church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The priest was ready to start the Mass when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church. One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons. The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!" Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the alter boy. After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The priest was holding steady in the pulpit. The men put their weapons away and said, gently, "All right, Father, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the Mass."
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.