One simply cannot play fair and win in a zoo - there are way too many cheetahs.
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
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A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight.
"I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor.
I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?"
"Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative.
Please take off your clothes."
The man strips down.
The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head.
"But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!"
"True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."
So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.
It was my grandfather.
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Yo' Mama is so nasty, the animals at the petting zoo make her wear gloves.
A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks.
The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has.
The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys."
The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.
Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.
The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"
The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"
Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
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Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
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