My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."
So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.
It was my grandfather.
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In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
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Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
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Why did the teacher jump into the lake?
Because she wanted to test the waters!
Chuck Norris has 12 moons.
One of those moons is the Earth.
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A woman applies for a job in a lemon grove.
‘Have you got any experience picking lemons?’ asks the foreman.
‘I certainly have,’ says the woman.
‘I’ve been married four times.’
Yo momma’s so ugly, when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start screaming.
Three mice in a pub having a bevy discussing who's the hardest.
1st mouse says I'm the hardest I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down i bench press it 30 times and throw it across the room!
2nd mouse says : you poof! I get rat poison' crush it into powder and snort it.
3rd mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door, where are you going? asked the other 2.
Home he replied to shag the cat!
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 Minutes in a half-hour.
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