A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs from her. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
A guy sees a classified ad that says "Will give Blow Job while singing the Star Spangled Banner at the same time." The guys thinks to himself that it sounds interesting and unbelievable, and so decides to pay her a visit. She lets him in and says that the lights have to be off. So she turns the light off and starts sucking his dick. All of a sudden he hears the Star Spangled Banner, clear as day. He really wants to know how she is doing this so he flips on the lights. All he sees on the floor is a glass eye.
Q: How does a man show he is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
A: How do children in Baghdad do? A: Bombastically.
What happens when sharks take their clothes off? They go sharkers.
There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat. The brunette says: "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde: "So, do you see any cops?" The blonde replies: "Yes!" The brunette says: "Are they behind us?" "Yes!" "Are they close?" "Yes!" "Are they going to stop us?" "I don't know!" "Well, are their lights on?" The blonde replies: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...!
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener? A lawn moo-er.
What's a moo hoo for a darling bull? A dear steer.
What's a moo hoo for a stuffed steer? A full bull.