How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
Q. What do you call a sensitive, intelligent man? A. An oxymoron.
Q: What do you get if you mix a rabbit and a snake? A: A jump rope!
There were three guys in a bar boasting about the amount of control they have over their wives after getting drunk. One said my wife never says no to me, the second one says my wife always says yes to me. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" They asked. She said, "get out from under the bed and fight like a man".
My insurance policy says: "Does not cover acts of God, or Chuck Norris."
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
Q: What's the difference between a brown-noser and a sh*thead? A: Depth perception.
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Q: What is red and black? A: A sunburnt zebra.