I feel sorry for people who don’t drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave.
"Excuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the guy had done.
"What was that all about?"
"Nothing", said the guy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Good advice for cocktail parties: If you can’t say something nice about someone, just hold your drink and listen to others who can’t either.
Animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.
One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?"
The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"
Our house was so small if we got a large pizza we had to go outside to eat it.
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
A drunk staggered down the main street of the town.
Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional.
After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition.
"You got any paper on your side?"
Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
A: He called a toe truck.
A married couple had gotten into an argument and for many days had not been talking to each other.
Instead they were writing notes back and forth.
One evening the husband walked up to the wife and handed her a note that said, “Wake me up tomorrow at 6 in the morning.”
When he woke up the next morning it was 9.
He immediately got angry with his wife and turned around to speak to her.
On her pillow was a note that said, “Wake up, it’s 6!”