Did you hear about the dentist who planted a garden? A month later he was picking his teeth.
What's the difference between a rooster and your mom? A rooster says cockadoodledoo, Your mom says anycockledoo.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
A student called her best friend and said that she had some great news. “The teacher told me that we had to do a test today in rain or shine,” she told her. “Why is that great,” her friend asked. “It’s snowing today!”
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
No matter how hard we try, we never seem to save any money. Our neighbours are always buying something we can’t afford.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand.
A mother found out she was pregnant and told the good news to anyone who would listen. One day when mother and son were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. ‘Yes!’ the four-year-old said. ‘And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!'
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris... Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
When Chuck Norris touched a Prius, it turned into a Ferrari