A man orders a pint of beer, notices it tastes sour and complains to the barman.
‘What are you moaning about?’ says the barman.
‘You’ve only got a pint of that rubbish, I’ve got three barrels full.’
What’s the hardest thing about learning to ice skate?
The ice.
Dick goes into a rough bar and orders a drink.
A man sidles up to him and says, ‘I can see you’re a stranger in here.’
‘Why, yes,’ says Dick.
‘How could you tell?’
The man replies, ‘You’ve taken your hand off your glass.’
How do you change a blonde’s mind?
Blow in her ear.
My grandfather came from a very poor family.
The only time he tasted meat was when he bit his tongue.
How do you make a blonde’s eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear.
We were so poor we couldn’t get rid of the roaches in our house because they paid half the rent.
There will always be death and taxes.
However, death doesn’t get worse every year.
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Liquor may be a slow poison, but who’s in a hurry?