A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was.
The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip.
The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye."
The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again.
The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip.
He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye.
The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes.
The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you.
You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot.
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
"You keep hearing about them, but never see any."
Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A. Just in case they get a hole in one.
2 people walk into a bar.
The third one ducked.
A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.
He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds of thousands of sprinkles.
A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
A: It depends how hard you throw them.