Liquor may be a slow poison, but who’s in a hurry?
Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.
Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A. Just in case they get a hole in one.
2 people walk into a bar.
The third one ducked.
A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.
He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds of thousands of sprinkles.
A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
A: It depends how hard you throw them.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot.
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
"You keep hearing about them, but never see any."