My grandfather came from a very poor family.
The only time he tasted meat was when he bit his tongue.
How do you make a blonde’s eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear.
We were so poor we couldn’t get rid of the roaches in our house because they paid half the rent.
There will always be death and taxes.
However, death doesn’t get worse every year.
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Liquor may be a slow poison, but who’s in a hurry?
Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A. Just in case they get a hole in one.
2 people walk into a bar.
The third one ducked.
A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.
He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds of thousands of sprinkles.
A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.