How many dead babies does it take to change a tire? Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.
Bears do not eat bears. Tigers do not eat tigers. Dogs do not eat dogs. Cats stopped eating kebabs.
What did Barack Obama become after his forty-seventh year? "Forty-eight years old."
A cop asks a nigger: Can you legitimate yourself? Is this because I’m black?
TEACHER: Why would you paint something black? STUDENT: So it runs faster.
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Question: What do you get when you cross a shark and a parrot? Answer: a creature that talks your ear off.
Why did the blonde throw breadcrumbs in the toilet? To feed the toilet duck!
At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars. One of the chamber members stood up and said, "I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army."
The stock market really plummeted today, but luckily there is a computer chip that is used to turn off the board if it gets too low. The Cubs have the same chip in there scoreboard.