I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer... but no one will do it.
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Q: 0 is false and 1 is true, right?
A: 1.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don't open the door.
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If you look back far enough in your family tree, Chuck Norris appears at least three times.
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Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
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Yo mama is so ugly that she could be the poster child for birth control.
I recently went to my new doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?"
He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?"
I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
I replied, "No, nothing like that."
He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc."
He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"
Q: Did you hear about the redneck who was shooting craps?
A: He blew a hole in the toilet.
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."