You so ugly, when Yo Momma drops you off at school, she gets a ticket for littering.
A girlfriend said to me during sex that I should be a little more graceful, so I went to ballet classes!
If Santa comes down the chimney this year and tries to stuff you in his sack, don't worry, because I wished for you for Christmas.
A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blonde asked the brunette what she was going to buy. The brunette replied, "I think I'll buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?" The blonde said, "I think I'm gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it."
A woman comes up to me and says, "Hey sexy you lost 185 lbs and now you have money." "You wanna be my sugar daddy?" "Nope I'm diabetic!"
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common? A: After a night of visiting children, they both have empty sacks.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Yo mama's so fat, she made weight watchers go blind.
At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook." "Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home." Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman." "What happened?" asks the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot. "Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?" "I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
Yo' Mama is so skinny, she uses dental floss for toilet paper.